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Transition and Loss

Yesterday, what my husband and I knew was coming became a reality. In April we have to move my 83-year-old mother-in-law from her assisted-living facility to a nursing home. Even though it's finances rather than her terminal illness that are forcing the move, I cried.

I don't know why this is affecting me the way it is. Before it was a reality I was able to talk about the prospect of her move to a nursing home quite rationally. Maybe it's because it's another loss for her.

I grew up with aunts, uncles, grandparents and great grand- parents on either side of my family's home. When I moved here I didn't have any extended family within 100 miles of me for 15 years or more. When my mother-in-law came to live in Portland I had a place to go to that felt a bit like going back to my parents' home. When we moved her to assisted living it felt a little like up-rooting the family home. Sure she still had the same furniture, though less of it due to the smaller room size, but it wasn't "home." Over time it grew to be and now that's being shaken up again.

My mother-in-law rolls with these things like a trooper. Perhaps it's because she was a nurse. She generally accepts that she needs caregivers to do things for her like dress her, bathe her, and put her to bed (unless the caregivers are more focused on the task than the person). She doesn't bat an eye when her family has to do more personal things for her like when I bought her new bras and uh, had to move her anatomy around to see if it fit. I can only hope that I accept the indignities of life as I age with as much grace as she does.

I don't know that I have a point to this article today. Maybe it's that as our elders experience losses we do as well. We lose the impact they make in our lives and the place they hold for us.

YOUR PARENTS LIVING OPTIONS

Some of you may have read about Sunwest properties, the owners of assisted-living facilities across the country, having financial trouble and now, I believe, filing for bankruptcy. Articles I've read tell the story of many cutbacks in food and amenities prior to their financial troubles going public.

I have been in a variety of assisted-living facilities and would always recommend finding one that is not corporate owned. They may cost more, or at least appear that way on paper initially, but that's usually because they are not solely focused on satisfying shareholders.

Privately owned facilities typically focus first on the individual. In general, they're much more flexible and will work with families when issues arise. Something that you can't put a price on.

So when looking at facilities be sure to ask who owns them. Also look for facilities that are privately owned and compare the two. Sometimes a local organization or company rates facilities on many factors and offers this information to families, usually at no cost.

Lynne Coon, MS — counselor serving communities in the greater Portland metropolitan area including: Portland, Vancouver, Lake Oswego, Tigard, Tualatin, Beaverton, Milwaukie, Oregon City, Hillsboro, Forest Grove, King City, West Linn, Wilsonville, Gresham, Troutdale, Scappoose, St Helens, Camas, Brush Prairie, Battle Ground, and Multnomah County, Clackamas County, Washington County and Clark County.